I’ve thought about writing this post for awhile now but I’ve waited and re-written it because, you guessed it, it wasn’t perfect. It didn’t seem right. The words weren’t flowing the way I thought they should. And that, ladies + gentlemen, is exactly why I’m writing this after all. It’s why I’m posting this blog without a thousand proofreading sessions. Because I have to commit myself to living a life + running a business with GRACE. Not perfection.

I’ve struggled with perfectionism for as long as I can remember. I have to be right, perfect and the best at what I do. I can’t miss deadlines. I have to have my work done early + done right the first time. Over the years, I’ve learned to embrace a lack of perfectionism (and instead a high standard of excellence) in a few areas of my life – music particularly. I knew I was never going to be Yo Yo Ma, so it was okay to forgive myself if I wasn’t nailing every moment of every session in the first chair seat at my college. I learned to enjoy music again – playing for fun, doing my best (of course!) and just being happy to be on the stage at all. But the rest of my life? Not so much.
I spend a lot of hours a week doing a lot of things – working my 9-5, running my business, being a virtual assistant to two companies, being a wife, being a home owner + home maker. I’ve learned that if I push myself to be perfect – never making a mistake, constantly fixing + never enjoying, I’m not a happy person. There’s not enough hours in a day for me to be a perfectionist and still have a life with Ryan. There’s just not. And yet I tell myself there are. I tell myself that things must be done in an unreasonable amount of time. I don’t take breaks. I come home from my office + I work until dinner, I work after dinner. I shower and maybe work more before bed. I don’t stop. And I expect all of this work to be done fast + right and you know, PERFECT. I force myself to work to someone else’s business model. I worry if I don’t post, publish, shoot + share everyday that I will never book or keep my clients. I worry I will turn them away if I’m not as good and do everything else every other photographer does.
Living that way sucks. Not forgiving yourself, trying to be someone else and pushing yourself so hard is not healthy. So instead, over the few months, I’ve been trying to embrace the mindset of giving myself grace. Grace that the house can have a few piles + be vacuumed once or twice a week, not every day. Grace that a blog post might go up a day later than I intended because I’ve been busy being with my husband. Grace that I didn’t make a 6 mile run today but I can try again tomorrow when I’m feeling better. Grace that it’s okay to spend an afternoon with my family at their new house – seeing the process – instead of editing for four hours straight.
This is not an easy change for me. I have high expectations for myself and the people around me. It’s hurt and made me sick when I think I’ve missed a deadline (one I set for myself, mind you). It scares me that people will forget my blog or my instagram feed if I don’t post and I’ll never get business. But you know what? I’ve found that people don’t mind. My clients understand that I have a life. My family is happier with me, I don’t feel like I can’t spend time with my husband and I stress less.
Don’t get me wrong – I don’t want anyone reading to confuse grace with laziness. I work so hard every single day to make my dreams come true. I still have stress. I still have breakdowns when I feel like I’ll never do this, when I feel like I can’t possibly manage what I am, I still feel like I’m struggling every now and then. But I allow myself to have those feelings and then I move on. I realize that I can’t work hard to build this life and not enjoy it. Life will not stop if I miss a blog post. Life will not stop if I leave the bathroom counter a mess one more day. Grace means that I forgive myself, that I love myself even on the hard days or the days I feel like I’m not up to my full potential. It means that I understand everyone has an off day and I remind myself that whatever happens is not catastrophic. Grace means that I allow myself to live to a high standard but not have to be a perfectionist because perfectionism is unhealthy. Grace means that I can share and run my business how I want to because after all, isn’t’ that why I started a business?
Grace also means simplifying and finding out what’s most important + putting my effort there. It forces me to focus on what’s really important: my marriage + the life we’re building together. My work should never come at the expense of my life (probably the hardest lesson to learn for me!). I’ve let my personal life suffer too much because of work over the years, something I’m realizing more and more. Having grace allows me to remember it’s okay to put my life FIRST. I’m not perfect + change takes time (sorry Ryan, I’m doing my best!). I have to remember to not be so hard on myself. Nothing happens overnight. Be patient and full of grace.

I challenge you to live a life filled with grace. I challenge you to find out what that means for yourself and I want to remind you that the world will go on if you take a breather. Allow yourself some wiggle room to accomplish all of those grand goals you have. And don’t ever allow yourself to stop living the beautiful life you’re creating with those around you simply because you think you’re not good enough.
XOXO,
Kristina