I’ve always been told I wear my heart on my sleeve, that I take things too personally and maybe, even that I put too much of myself into whatever I do. And while, to some degree, all of those things are positives (and true!) because they make me the person that I am, I know that they’re also damaging. I know that because I hold onto things personally and want to be the best at everything I do – because why else do it, right? – I tend to hold on really tightly to all of the negative feedback I’ve gotten throughout my life instead of the positive things. 

On one hand, I’ve always felt that a perspective like that keeps (kept?) me grounded. By hearing the positive, uplifting and wonderful things people have said to me but then letting them fade away, I’ve gotten my momentary praise and I’ve moved onto what I always thought really mattered: the “negative” feedback, the space for improvement, the part of me that isn’t up to par. And if we’re being totally honest, I thought that made the most sense – I’m not the best of the best which is just a plain fact. So because of that, I figured all the criticism, feedback or “negative” things people said were what I really deserved to hear (do you see that? I said it’s what I deserved).

The thing about negative feedback is that it sticks with us. At least it does for me. So while maybe I believe I deserve to hear it once, do I need to hear it over and over and over again in my head for the rest of my life? I could get a negative comment (and by negative, I mean constructive criticism) about anything – let’s say… an outfit. Maybe someone told me that the shoes and the shirt I wore look kind of off in certain light. And while there’s nothing cruel about that piece of feedback, you can bet I’m never going to wear that outfit again – no matter how cute I thought it was or how much I loved it. Honestly? I may not even wear the pieces by themselves again. That’s how focused I am on these negative comments. 

I still carry around comments about how I compose a photograph because of something a client told me once. I still think twice before cutting my hair because I was told it looked awful short – and because someone had a reaction to the sudden change of hairstyle. I still worry about my social media presence because of feedback I’ve received. I still worry about how I sound in messages, if I’m bothering someone or texting too much because I had one friend tell me that in high school. I’m still self-conscious about making music because of the hurtful things that were said to me in college. And while most of these incidents were just one little comment once, I still hold them in my heart. I don’t tell you this so you feel bad. I don’t tell you this because I’m angry. I tell you this because this is how I live: second-guessing everything I do, no matter how many times I’ve done it well or successfully. 

I also want to be clear: in writing this and sharing this, I do not mean to say that it is not beneficial to have negative or constructive feedback, because I ABSOLUTLEY believe it’s how we grow. I want to be clear that the part that is difficult is not being able to let it go once it has served it’s purpose in making me better. Instead, I hang on it – I hear the words, I see the comments over and over – even after the issue has been resolved or I have understood how to use the information to make the next go better. 

But, guys? Let me tell you something: Life is all about BALANCE. There’s nothing wrong with taking pride in the positive feedback I receive – there’s nothing wrong with taking a moment to revel in it. And there’s nothing wrong with taking time to think about the negative feedback or the constructive criticism and using it to make me, my business and my choices better. But I have to learn to let go of feeling like these negative comments have to define me; that I’ve messed up so badly because one person had an opinion; that I can’t do something because someone else doesn’t understand it or didn’t like it the same way and I have definitely got to stop letting one little comment haunt me for years to come. I (and you too!) have to learn to LET IT GO, as Elsa would tell us. If we don’t let go, our minds and our bodies get so weighed down by these thoughts and comments. 

Easier said than done, right? 

How do we go about making such a fundamental change in our thoughts, our actions and our emotions? I’ll be sharing a few tips on how I’m learning to let go of this mindset and take this feedback – learn to use it in a positive way and then be done with it -on the blog later next week!

xoxo

Kristina